Balls of Steel Episode 12: Welcome to Loserdom Palace
“Balls of Steel, a fucked up reality television show about fucking TDRPW members up all for the price of one million dollars. What is the point of this show? There is none. The only thing that matters is that it’s hella entertaining. But for tonight’s episode, we are gonna take a break from all this brutal nonsense.” (Montage of the eliminated contestants getting launched from a catapult plays) “For the last eleven episodes, you have witnessed eleven of your favorite, and least favorite, TDRPW’ers take the Hurl of Shame, or in Meta’s case, getting a torch snuffed for some reason… But now, ever wonder what happens to them when they leave the island? Well, you’re about to find out right now!” (Cut to a luxurious beach resort) “This is Loserdom Palace! With a large swimming pool, a tiki bar, unlimited snacks and desserts, an arcade room that also includes an air hockey table, a room with a large flat screen TV that also includes a pool table, luxurious suites for the losers to sleep in and even a pet chimpanzee named Steve!” “So join us, relax, get out the popcorn and watch how life here at Loserdom Palace is, only on Baaaallllssss of Steeelll!!!!!!” (Intro plays) (Loserdom Palace- Day 35) (It’s Day 35 into the game, and two days have passed since the most recent loser, Toast, had been voted out. We see Fiz, RJ, and Rocker sitting on their floating tubes) RJ: So guys, who do you want to win? Rocker: Well I’m gonna have to say Ally cus she’s a woman and a racial minority and I’m a white man-hater so yeah. Go her I guess. Fiz: I agree. Ally is bae! If she don’t win I will cut myself. Rocker: What kind of fucked up emo shit are you on. Fiz: None. I just wish my lawn was emo so it could cut itself instead of having to pay those damn Mexicans. Besides, I was just joking. God take a joke. RJ: Yeah Rocker no need to be sensitive, Little Bill. Rocker: Tf you just say to me you racist, ignorant, homophobic piece of shit!? RJ: How am I homophobic? Rocker: Oh right you can’t be Mr. Gay Boys of FB. RJ: STFU Little Bill! Rocker: Bitch I ain’t look like no Little fucking Bill so enough with the racist comparisons just cus I’m black. RJ: Wait, since when were you black!? :O Rocker: Since the night I knocked up your mother sometime 16 years ago. Fiz: Damn, he cooked you real good. *smokes joint* Dis is some gewd shit btw. RJ: Eh, atleast I’m still better than you at one thing. Rocker: Oh yeah, what’s that? RJ: Survivor fanboy’ism. Rocker: Jan I just started watching that shit a season and a half ago and am already an expert. Besides, I would fucking destroy you in Big Brother shit. RJ: Omg! BB! Brittany <3 Fiz: Caleb had a nice dick and ass tbh. Rocker: Too bad he’s a racist. Just like 21st Century America. RJ: You’re a racist. “Pasty white” Rocker: Yeah, keep running your mouth, see how things turn out in the end bitch. (Suddenly JRO is seen crawling into the water) JRO: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! Fiz: Ew JRO GTFO! JRO: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! RJ: Yeah JRO nobody likes you. Just go and fap to Dawn pics or whatever you do these days. JRO: RJ please, shut your Kim Jong-Un looking ass up. Fiz: How about you kill yourself. Right here right now. Just drown yourself to death. RJ: That’s not possible Fiz. His large body would just suck in all the water if he put his head underwater. Fiz: Truwe. Rocker: You know, I never realized until now how racist this boot order is. Everyone that’s been voted out since Episode 4 was a minority. Fiz: Meta is white though. Rocker: Yeah, and he didn’t have to take that damn catapult thingy. He got a free boat ride over here. SMH at this special white treatment. (Rocky then comes into the mix and joins the four of them in the pool) Rocky: Special treatment? Boi ever since I got here I’ve been having to deal with Bat’s twink ass and avoid JRO trying to molest me. JRO: C’mon Rocky. You know you want it. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Rocky: You know what, maybe I do, JRO. But that’s beside the point. The point is, Rocker, your racial excuses are a joke. Just give up already and admit your failure. Rocker: Failure? What failure? Jan I am a straight-A student. Rocky: I mean, just admit you are done for. Rocker: Done for? You mean like your b-crat’ship? RJ: HAHA! Rocky: It’s funny you say that, considering your one-month run as admin. Besides, I know for a fact that you stole my cashews. Rocker: Oh so now you accuse me of stealing your cashews, it’s cus I’m black ain’t it? This is some racial profiling right here folks! (Suddenly GO pops up from behind the bushes) GO: ROCKER! SHUT UP! I CAN SMELL YO BLACK BREATH FROM THE INSIDE OF THE HOUSE! Rocker: You know what. I’m not even gonna with you. (Rocker then turns into Keanu Reeves mode) Rocker: *blasts GO’s ass out of there* (Rocker then turns back into normal form) Rocker: Now, where were we? RJ: Something about Rocky wrongly accusing you of taking his cashews cus of race. Rocker: Oh yeah, right. Anyways, I- *gets eaten by JRO* JRO: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. That was good. Fiz: WTF JRO you fatass. JRO: Sorry, I was in the mood for some dark chocolate. Rocker: *Inside of JRO’s stomach* This is some racist bullshit! JRO: Btw Rocky this Final Four is predictable af like I saw this a mile away. Fiz: Tbh I thought Meta’s boot was unpredictable. Which btw was conducted by me. <3 RJ: Ikr! I was so proud of you for representing #Survivor! JRO: HA! GHEEEEEEEEEYYY!!! Fiz: JRO, go eat all of the food supply like you always do. JRO: Nah, I think I’ll just eat you! *devours Fiz* Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm! RJ: OMG! You ate Fiz! You bastard! JRO: Yeap, and now I’m gonna eat you! *swims toward RJ* RJ: JBOC! JRO: Wait, wha? Rocky: *bans JRO for 2 hours* RJ: Thank you. Rocky. No problem, Cliff. RJ: Cliff! Just like Cliff Robinson from #Survivor! (We then cut to Toast who is cooking stuff up on the grill) Toast: *talking to camera* When I got voted out, I was pissed. But after two days, I got over it. I now get to eat as much toast as I want out here. I am even cooking garlic bread on the grill as we speak! *shows bread burning up on grill* (JRO then pops up from behind the grill) JRO: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Bread! *drools* Toast: Noooooooooooooooooooooo! *smacks JRO multiple times with spatula* Get get! Shoo! Get away from that bread you one hundred tons Jew! Away with ye! JRO: *doesn’t budge and just devours Toast’s spatula whole* Toast: Shit! You fucking behemoth! Look what you done! You ate my SpongeBob spatula you fat fuck! JRO: Eh, new SpongeBob is shitty anyways. :P Toast: You better not eat my toast or else! JRO: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Toast! *grabs Toast and starts to devour him whole* Toast: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HEEEEEELLLPPP!!!! JRO IS EATIN’ ME! JRO: *finishes devouring Toast and swallows him whole* Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. (We then cut to Heo, Meta, and Ultra sitting at the Tiki Bar, just chilling) Heo: Man, I honestly don’t know who to root for in the end. I mean, anyone but Chip would be great. Ally is my dream girl and Grass & Dark are my boi’s. Ultra: But didn’t Ally vote you out? Why would you still wanna root for her? She clearly isn’t into you. Meta: Yeah, no need to continue to humiliate yourself like that, man. Heo: Yeah I know but I could tell deep into her eyes that she really wants me, she just is really shy and is hiding her true feelings. She can’t hide in the dark forever. (Suddenly RJ arrives at the scene, panting in exhaustion) RJ: Like, guys. You won’t believe this, but… JRO ate Rocker and Fiz and I think he ate Toast too and now he might be after every voted out contestant out here! Heo: Meh. JRO is harmless, what’s the least he could do. Meta: Speaking of harmless, Ultra, guess what. Ultra: What? Meta: WAAAAAZZZUUUUUUUUUPPP!!!!! Ultra: WAAAZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUPPP!!!!!!! JRO: *pops out of nowhere* WAAAZZUUUUUUUUUUUPPPP!!!!! *eats Meta* Mmmmmmmmmmm. Tasty shaggy! Ultra/Heo/RJ: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! RJ: Like, sorry Ultra but I have to survive this so….. *shoves Ultra towards JRO* Ultra: Wow, I was gonna try to bribe JRO with some McDonald’s you stupid asshole! *gets absorbed by JRO* JRO: *licks lips* Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. More please! ;) Heo: Ah Mierda! RJ: What do we do!? Heo: Say the magic four letter word! Quick! RJ: JBOC! JRO: Oh come on! Heo: *bans JRO* RJ: Phew! That was close. Heo: Yeah, no kidding. We gotta warn the others and fast. Any idea where the others are? RJ: Beats me. Rocky was with us at the pool earlier but I don’t know where he went. Heo: Come on, let’s go find Bat and GO. (We cut to GO about to go to the bathroom, but as he opens the door, he see’s something fucked up) GO: HUH? WHAT THE! (We then see Bat standing on top of the toilet, naked, and anally masturbating with a twinkie) Bat: Aw crap! GO: ……….. Bat: *hops off toilet* GO, I swear to the Jewish God you better not tell anyone! GO: GHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY! TWINKIE! TWINKIE! TWINKIE! BAT IS A GHEY TWINKIE! Bat: Shut up! r00d! GO: I WILL NOW TELL THE WHOLE WIKI YOUR SECRET! Bat: No! (Just as GO turns around and is about to exit the bathroom, Bat closes the door on him) Bat: GO, please. I am begging of you! Do not tell anyone about this! I will do ANYTHING for you to shut up about it! GO: HMMMMMMMMMM….. ANYTHING? Bat: Uh, yeah, sure. Anything. GO: HMMMMMMMMMM….. OK, WE HAVE BUTT SEKS, NOW! Bat: Uh, excuse me? GO: I SAID WE HAVE GHEY BUTT SEKS, NOOWWW!!! Bat: Uh, no thank you, you aren’t my type anyways. GO: OK GUESS I GO TELL EVERYONE YOUR SECRET! Bat: Alright alright… *sigh* We’ll have butt seks. GO: YAY! (GO then strips his clothes off, but as he begins to make his move on Bat, JRO busts through the bathroom wall) JRO: Heeeeeeeeeerreee’s JRO! Bat & GO: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! *get eaten by JRO* JRO: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!! *exits bathroom* (Heo and RJ then run into the bathroom only to find mashed up twinkie bits, grenades, and anus blood all over the place) Heo: Oh mi señor! What happened here? RJ: Whatever happened, it was probably a #Blindside! Heo: Quick, let’s get out of here! (RJ and Heo run out of the room and outside near the pool) RJ: I’m scared Heo. Heo: JRO has gone loco! I say we hide somewhere until we can get help and- (JRO pops out of nowhere and grabs Heo by the legs) JRO: I sure am craving Mexican food right about now! *begins to devour Heo legs first* Heo: MIERDA! RJ: *grabs onto Heo’s arms and tries to pull him to get his bottom half out of JRO’s mouth* Urgh, I gotcha Heo! Heo: Aaaahh! I can feel his acid-like slobber all over my feet! RJ: I don’t know if…. I can hang on much… longer! Heo, I’m sorry, but I am going to have to let go of you! Heo: I understand! Just be sure to tell Ally that I…… RJ: That you love her? Like, I’m pretty sure she already knows that, dude. Heo: No, not that. I need you to tell her that she owes me $5.30 for that ice cream from Dairy Queen I bought her. RJ: Oh…. Okay. *lets go of Heo* Heo: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! *gets sucked into JRO’s mouth* JRO: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! That sure was some spicy Mexican food! RJ: Like, he’s Honduran-American you ignorant douche! JRO: Correction: He WAS Honduran-American. B) (Suddenly, a helicopter arrives and is flying around about 50 feet in the air, the two pilots turn out to be Yoshi Is not a mexican and Pikachu is not a jew) Yoshi: Wtf is that thing!? PikaJew: Looks like a disgusting Jew whatever it is. Rocky: *randomly appears* Ohai JRO and RJ, I was just out searching for my cashews when suddenly- *gets eaten by JRO* Yoshi: Holy shit it just ate JonTron from YouTube! PikaJew: That’s it, this kike is going down! (The helicopter then starts shooting at JRO, but the bullets do zero damage to him, and instead only annoy him. So he turns to look up at the helicopter and breathes some blue lazer beam shit at it, causing the helicopter to explode) RJ: Well fuck! (JRO grabs RJ and lifts him up in the air) JRO: Looks like it’s just you now. Some Filipino spice would be nice to clean this all down! Muwahahahahaha! RJ: Oh well, atleast I could say I was the #SoleSurvivor…. Wait, I got it! (Just as JRO starts to move RJ towards him, RJ pulls out a string necklace with an Asian medallion looking object attached to it, turning out to be one of the hidden immunity idols from Survivor: Cagayan) RJ: Not so fast! I have THIS! (The medallion shines a light at JRO’s face, burning him) JRO: O-O AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! WHAT IS THAT THING!? ASWDEGFTDSARGFTEDWS! (JRO then drops RJ, who backs up away from JRO while still pointing the idol at him) JRO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *explodes and his shiz flies all over the place* RJ: Looks like you just got #Idol’dOut, bitch! (After JRO’s explosion, we see all of the other losers scattered around, regaining consciousness as they are covered in some pink goo stuff) Ultra: Ah, what happened. Toast: We got eaten by JRO’s fatass. (Among the goo-covered losers is JRO himself, in his normal-sized, harmless form) JRO: Ah man, what happened? I just remember deciding to take a dip in the pool and BAM, I lost control of myself. Fiz: I think this means that Jews are like Gremlins tbh. Never let them get contact with water and dont feed them after midnight. Rocker: *sees RJ, completely clean and in one piece* Something tells me this is all your fault! *pulls up sleeves and starts walking towards RJ* This motherfucker is about to finally get what’s coming to him! RJ: Oh come on! ???: Wait! (The losers look over to see PikaJew and Yoshi walking from out of the woods with parachutes still attached to their backs) Yoshi: That guy just saved all of your lives! PikaJew: It’s true, we saw the whole thing go down as we were parachuting down. He used that idol thingy in his hand to release you all from that Jewish boy. Heo: Wow, can’t believe I’m saying this. But thank you, RJ. You saved us all! Fiz: RJ <3 Rocky: RJ, because of this. You get to pick the concept for next season of BoS! RJ: Well, I always did like the idea of underdog seasons. So I was thinking maybe the pre-merge boots of this season playing against a bunch of noobs. Rocky: Consider it done! JRO: Man, I sure am hungry. (JRO starts walking towards the snack cabinet when suddenly Meta notices him) Meta: Uh, guys, look *points at JRO* Fiz: Shit he gonna eat all the food and we’ll have nothing to eat! Bat: Quick, someone say it! GO: JBOC! Heo/Meta/Rocky: *mega bans JRO* Heo: Yeah, I think it’s just safe we keep him banned like this until the finale. Everyone Else: Agreed. (Later that night, the losers celebrate by having an open BBQ) Heo: Here is a toast. Toast: Toast! Heo: No not you, I mean, it’s time we make a toast: *lifts up drink* to TDRPW! Others: *lifts up drinks* To TDRPW! (Bat, Fiz, RJ, Meta, Heo, Toast, and Ultra start partying while we cut to GO and Rocky out on the beach showing off weapons) Rocky: You see this AK-47? Well, don’t worry. It’s not real. It’s actually a replica filled with paintballs. GO: HAVE YOU EVER SHOT SOMEONE WITH IT? Rocky: Nah, I just use it to scare people off. I’m not really a violent enough person to do something as crazy as just shooting someone. (Rocker walks up to them from behind to see what they are up to) Rocker: What’s going on here, Jans. (Rocky turns around, sees Rocker, then shoots him with all of his paintball bullets) Rocky: OH SHIT! YOU SCARED THE FUCK OUTTA ME! Rocker: *covered in paint* …… Yep, racism is alive and well in America! *walks back to party* GO: HA! THAT NOTHING! SEE WHAT I GOT! *pulls out giant ass grenade* Rocky: Uh, what are you gonna do with that? GO: *pulls off grenade handle* ALULULULULULULULULULU! *throws it at beach house and it blows the entire place up* (Minutes later, Bat, Fiz, Heo, Meta, RJ, Rocker, Toast, and Ultra come out onto the beach covered in black smoke and ash, pissed off) Rocker: *smacks fist* Time for a classic hood beatdown! Heo: *pulls out knife* Come on homies, let’s beat this guys ass! GO: WAIT, NO! I CAN EXPLAIN! REALLY! Bat: Get him! (Everyone except for Rocky chases after GO, who then runs down the beach as they follow him) GO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHY THIS HAPPEN TO ME I IS KING! Rocky: *alone at beach, watching the others run away* Welp. *looks at camera* Kids, this is why you don’t do crack. Goodnight, folks! (The camera then backs up and fades away as the screen fades to black) (End) (Preview for Episode 13 plays) “Next time on Balls of Steel….” “Shit happens, that is all.” “And it all happens next week on Balls of Steel, Episode 13: Grass, Paper, Scissors” (End of preview)